I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky...

...but why...why, why can't it be, can't it be mine?


I know I haven't had the best of luck with relationships, I fuck it up, I let it go and realize what I could've had. For the first time in my life, I almost feel like I deserve someones love. But there is still a long lingering thought in my mind. Him.

I still miss him. I still think about him, dream about him and cry over him. He is still a part of my life, but I am no longer part of his. And this is what hurts the most. I love Benjamin, but I fear I will never be able to let go of what I had with Him. He was my everything and then I let it go, or he left me. It's been so long now I can't even remember which came first. There are very few people that I've been able to talk to and all of which have almost dissapeared on me. I hate this. I hate not being able to give my all to the one who has been there for me in one of the toughest parts of my life. But, I can't unless I get what I need from him. I don't know what exactly it is yet, but I hope to god I find out.

i tried.

i tried so hard after you left to make my heart work right. to make it normal. but it's not and it never will be.


i could easily fall back in love
go back to what we knew.
but he's starting to know me
like i wanted you to.

see this one through

please love.

and I know all about those things we cannot speak
and just so you know well they don't bother me
so you don't have to be worried
just nod your head if the plans have changed
shake it, love, if they stayed the same
smile at me and I will stay
start to cry and I'll go away
just please don't keep me waiting

 

 

just nod your head if your mind's been changed
shake it, love, if some hope remains
just say the word and of course I'll stay
roll your eyes and I'll go away
just please don't leave me guessing.
just please don't keep me waiting.

our finger prints don't fade from the lives we touch.

So, I went to go see the movie Remember Me yesterday with my grandma. I remember at the beginning thinking "Why the hell would they choose 2001? It was such a shitty year." But soon enough, I realized what was going to happen. When he said that he would wait for him in his office, I turned to my grandma and asked her, "What building are they in?" And then my assumptions were reassured. I cried. I fucking bawled. All my confusions with Ben and worries about graduating just felt so insignificant after that movie. But I can honestly say that I am STILL depressed over it. I have loved and lost and will again, but I have never lost the way that she did. I don't know if I'm strong enough to survive something like that.

You are one of god's mistakes.

You're a big boy now.

Smokin' reds just like your father.

My favorite brand,

My favorite brand,

My favorite brand

of cancer.

Like the wind disappears into the sky,

so will you and I.

I knew it, I swear I did,

"Is this all we will ever know?"

I knew the answer all along
You liked me once,
I swear you did.

You gave it away

with the taste of your lips.

I was polite,

I made a promise

and I smoke reds

just like your father.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem

You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after
isn't enough
and I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.


I honestly don't know what to do right now. I never thought I'd get so emotional over him. I never thought it'd end up this way, me sitting here again feeling like ever single fiber inside of me is ripping and screaming, trying to get out. I never though I'd be able to feel this way again. It's been three years since someones made me hurt this way and I don't know why I let it happen. I can't believe I let myself get so attached to something that wasn't even there in the first place. How can I survive a blow like this again? Because, once more, it was me who idealized, who imagined everything to be better than it was. He did nothing wrong and I know that. I know that. So why can't I let this go? Why can't I stop blaming him and making him into the devil of the story. ....I never was content with being an angel anyway....








And I guess it doesn't matter what I am or pretend to be
Cuz it's her you'll always love and it's her I'll always envy.
I want to end this now so dreams of you won't keep me up.
But I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

Minor Freak Out

I have a little over a quarter left of Highschool. I honestly am freaking out. In five months I don't know where I'll be. I have no place to live and no funds to live off of.

Oh boy. I found where I want to be, but no one I want to be with will be there with me.

I am the Shipwrecked Man

I am the shipwrecked man,

Lost, exhausted, buried in sand.

Fields of turquoise all mine eyes can see.

A million baby blues all smiling at me.

Lost, exhausted, buried in sand,

I plead with the tide, "This is all that I am!"

A million baby blues smiling at me,

Mocking, hissing, spitting with glee.

I plead with the tide, "This is all that I am!

A Seadog, A Pirate, I am simply a man!"

Mocking, hissing, spitting with glee,

My cruel mistress whispers nothing to me.

I release myself, rise from my knees.

Fields of turquoise all mine eyes can see.

She waves goodbye when water meets land.

I am the shipwrecked man.

My attempt at a pantoum poem

Do I confuse you?

Do I confuse you, he asked with a grin on his face.
Only in the slightest sense darling, I assure it's nothing I can't replace.
You're a kind hearted man with a few scars on your soul.
Believing the heartaches and the stories I've told.

"That’s the thing about letting old lovers go. You don’t stop loving some of them. There are a couple you love no less than you ever did. You’re not gonna try and make it work again, but if they needed you, you’d drop everything."

 

But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

i forgot....

i can't believe i forgot how much i missed shelbs.

t-bell.
huey long.

i'm afraid we wont know much more than this
our smoothed over smiles and conversational bliss
you're the closest thing i ever knew of a gentleman
I’m everything but the lady you make me to be
ill write you off and label you on my arm
its been better but seen worse scars
it’s the leaving that I’ve grown accustomed to
but with this whirlwind that you put me through
keeps me wanting more than you're willing to give

Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at



blaaaah. i'm too emotional for this shit.
i need to sleep.

so ben and i are kinda dating. i think. haha. he asked me "how 'bout we go on a couple dates, and see how it goes?" and then i said something along the lines of yes. (:


le sigh. if only i could spend valentines day with him. but unfortunately i have to work. maybe monday, maybe.



nothings official. lesson one, don't idealize.

believe it.

i'm not scared. i'm really not.
i'm....hesitant and cautious.
what if it all turns around and changes?
what if something remarkable does happen?
what do i do when i leave this summer?
and then again when i leave for school in the fall?
or what if he just changes his mind?
i'm not scared. i'm really not.



if i keep telling myself that maybe i'll believe it.

the good life.

life has been relatively good, as of late. and i'm trying to take advantage of every second. i've been seeing julia gulia way more than i used too and i'm loving it. i love how sam and her are together. it's one of the cutest things i've seen in a while. i mean, normally i get sick of couples but for some reason with those two, it just fits. (: it reminds me of a bright eyes song, but if i posted that it would be uber cheesy and no one likes cheesy. ha ha.


♥


i have officially been accepted into columbia college in chicago! i am so excited! i absolutely cannot wait for my city life to begin. :D


lay those lips on me babe, let's talk about world domination

the lighthouse tale

I am a lighthouse, worn by the weather and the waves.
I keep my lamp lit, to warn the sailors on their way.

I'll tell a story, paint you a picture from my past.
I was so happy, but joy in this life seldom lasts.

I had a keeper, he helped me warn the ships at sea.
We had grown closer, 'till his joy meant everything to me.

And he was to marry, a girl who shone with beauty and light.
And they loved each other, and with me watched the sunsets into night.

And the waves crashing around me, the sand slips out to sea.
And the winds that blow remind me, of what has been, and what can never be.

She'd had to leave us, my keeper he prayed for a safe return.
But when the night came, the weather to a raging storm had turned.

He watched her ship fight, but in vain against the wild and terrible wave.
In me so helpless, as dashed against the rock she met her end.


And the waves crashing around me, the sand slips out to sea.
And the winds that blow remind me, of what has been, and what can never be.

Then on the next day, my keeper found her washed up on the SHORE.
He kissed her cold face, that they'd be together soon he'd swore.

I saw him crying, watched as he buried her in the sand.
And then he climbed my tower, and off of the edge of me he ran.


And the waves crashing around me, the sand slips out to sea.
And the winds that blow remind me, of what has been, and what can never be.

I am a lighthouse, worn by the weather and the waves.
And though I am empty, I still warn the sailors on their way.