I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky...

...but why...why, why can't it be, can't it be mine?


I know I haven't had the best of luck with relationships, I fuck it up, I let it go and realize what I could've had. For the first time in my life, I almost feel like I deserve someones love. But there is still a long lingering thought in my mind. Him.

I still miss him. I still think about him, dream about him and cry over him. He is still a part of my life, but I am no longer part of his. And this is what hurts the most. I love Benjamin, but I fear I will never be able to let go of what I had with Him. He was my everything and then I let it go, or he left me. It's been so long now I can't even remember which came first. There are very few people that I've been able to talk to and all of which have almost dissapeared on me. I hate this. I hate not being able to give my all to the one who has been there for me in one of the toughest parts of my life. But, I can't unless I get what I need from him. I don't know what exactly it is yet, but I hope to god I find out.

i tried.

i tried so hard after you left to make my heart work right. to make it normal. but it's not and it never will be.


i could easily fall back in love
go back to what we knew.
but he's starting to know me
like i wanted you to.

see this one through

please love.

and I know all about those things we cannot speak
and just so you know well they don't bother me
so you don't have to be worried
just nod your head if the plans have changed
shake it, love, if they stayed the same
smile at me and I will stay
start to cry and I'll go away
just please don't keep me waiting

 

 

just nod your head if your mind's been changed
shake it, love, if some hope remains
just say the word and of course I'll stay
roll your eyes and I'll go away
just please don't leave me guessing.
just please don't keep me waiting.

our finger prints don't fade from the lives we touch.

So, I went to go see the movie Remember Me yesterday with my grandma. I remember at the beginning thinking "Why the hell would they choose 2001? It was such a shitty year." But soon enough, I realized what was going to happen. When he said that he would wait for him in his office, I turned to my grandma and asked her, "What building are they in?" And then my assumptions were reassured. I cried. I fucking bawled. All my confusions with Ben and worries about graduating just felt so insignificant after that movie. But I can honestly say that I am STILL depressed over it. I have loved and lost and will again, but I have never lost the way that she did. I don't know if I'm strong enough to survive something like that.

You are one of god's mistakes.

You're a big boy now.

Smokin' reds just like your father.

My favorite brand,

My favorite brand,

My favorite brand

of cancer.

Like the wind disappears into the sky,

so will you and I.

I knew it, I swear I did,

"Is this all we will ever know?"

I knew the answer all along
You liked me once,
I swear you did.

You gave it away

with the taste of your lips.

I was polite,

I made a promise

and I smoke reds

just like your father.